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Muffi McButterpants

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[30 Nov 2003|05:33pm]
It hurts real bad today
went shopping with mom and andrea, that was good, but I've been having these really disturbing dreams lately, the kind that follow you through the day and you can't shake them, always the little slut is a different girl, sometimes she's threatening to me and others she's just pathetic and weak, I could deal with all the emotions on a concience level, but once my sleeping brain starts in I'm a goner.
I hate this, I can't think of anything good happening, all the good thoughts I've ever had all involved ralphie, he was always everything to me, I didn't make one disicion in the last five years that didn't include how that would effect him and his life.
now that I need to be making decision that effect only mine, things are more difficult.
tomorrow will be better than today and the next day will be better than tomorrow,
I will lose 100lbs and be so confident and beautiful
I will love me
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[21 Nov 2003|08:07pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

every day is a struggle

I try as hard as I can not to think about ralphie, but he's everywhere, in my head, in my heart, he's in every part of my life, all my memories, all my dreams, all of me.

I thought I needed new experinces, I missed out on so many things so far, I've wasted so much time being fat and scared, protecting myself from the unimaginable, now I can't imagine anything good happening.
I thought I wanted to move in with annie and justin, but that would never work, I love her so much, but living with them might kill me, I need to live alone, I need a cute cheap apartment full of cool things, I need to burn candles and learn to play guitar and dance around in my underwear and feel good about life everyday

I need more money
I'm going to ask kelly on monday to give me a promotion and a raise so that I can afford to live alone, maybe even afford to live a fairly comfortable life, I always figured if I could live with nothing, then anything extra would feel extravagant and fulfiling.

I ate too much this week, last week too, if I hadn't eaten so much I wouldv'e lost more weight, next week I will, I will.
I will be a beautiful, healthy woman, I have my whole life ahead of me and I don't want to waste any more time feeling less than enough.

I love me.

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[19 Nov 2003|06:29pm]
[ mood | restless ]

I want him to feel ashamed, I want him to keep the sins he's commiting in the closet, hide them from the world, but he's proud, showing her off to all our friends, and they're all excepting her just fine, I always thought that at least kay and carrie would have my back, that they would throw down anyone that tried to hurt me, but no, ralph comes along with some new little whore before our bed's even cold and she buddies right up to her, kay's a two faced fake bitch and I don't ever want to see her again...I wish that's the way I felt about ralphie.
today it snowed and all I wanted to do was call up my honey and be excited about going and playing in the snow, but then I couldn't, because he's going to play in the snow with her, then go home with her, to their home, and lay in their bed and cuddle with her.
it's just not right.
I want to live with annie and justin, I always thought that I could never live with a couple, but that's because I've always been a couple, I need new experiences, it's not fair to me to go through life and miss out on all the things I've hid myself from all these years.
if we've all written our own books, my goal now is to figure out why I fucked up the last few chapters and how I want the story to end.
I miss ralph.
but I'm looking forward to seeing me again.
peace out

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[16 Nov 2003|06:57pm]
went to lunch with ralphie today. november 16th, the aniversary of our first night together, he remembered that when I asked him. now he's spending his nights with someone else.
he took her to our friend's house and they all hung out, that's the worst part so far, I can understand the sex and need for affection, but to take her there and to make happy with all of our friends like some happy little couple, that's fucked up if you ask me.
he acted funny, it's clear that he still has strong feelings for me, he even kissed me, seemed happy to be spending time with me, even openly mentioned that he liked the way I looked, why the hell does he have to go home to her, I'm so upset by the whole episode, that asshole, I need to have the upper hand, and I can't if he's taking her around like the proud owner of a new little slut....
I always felt like ralphie was ashamed of me, I know that's probably just my interpretation of my own feelings of self doubt, but what the hell, all the places he didn't want me to go forever, then mad at me because I don't want to go, then taking someone else, that fucking asshole
I may not make it through this.
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another day [13 Nov 2003|02:54pm]
[ mood | sad ]

talked to ralphie finally today, I cried
the pain is so intense when I hear his voice, when he tells me he's been seeing alot of that girl, that he really likes her alot, that he's been living at her house.
I've just been filling my head with hope that he's going to realize that he loves me and come crawling back and we're going to be happy for the rest of our lives together, but the truth is that he's not coming back, he's starting a new relationship and he's really excited about it and he's going to love her and settle down into a life with her and try to push me out of his head.
the was he talkes to me is like he feels sorry for me, that he feels bad that I hurt, but doesn't hurt himself at all.
I understand that it's easier for him, he's got someone there to hold and make love to and take his mind off of our failed attempt of a relationship, and I know how exciting it is to like someone and they like you and it's all so wonderful, I know that when there's someone new it's all you can think about and thinking about her is probably a hell of a lot easier then thinking about me, but when I think about ralphie being so excited about someone else, my heart burns and my stomach cinches up and I cry.
I've been thinking alot about when we split up before and I had a few crushes of my own, one in particular that almost went too far, and I felt all the same excitement and thought about the person all the time and looked for reasons to be with him, and had all the intention to have sex with him, but when it came down to it, I didn't want to be with anyone else but ralphie, because if there were any chance we made it through that tiff, we had only been with each other, and that was something so special, and being with someone else made me realize that even with ralph's faults, I wanted him and was willing to do anything that it took.
now, I just need to know what it's going to take.
if I fight for ralphie and he comes back to me, then always it will be in my mind that he only came back to me because he felt bad, so he needs to make the decision on his own, with someone else there naked in front of him that he wants to be with me and then it will be real, that's never going to happen.
I love him so much.

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another chapter [09 Nov 2003|05:35pm]
[ mood | confused ]

last night I logged on and read all of my past entries, I haven't written here since ralphie and I split up last year.
we've split again, about a month ago, he had sex with another girl, her name is jenny. it killed me.
I always thought that ralphie and I would be together forever, even through all the fights and hard times I know that the two of us loved each other enough to make it through and end up the perfect couple that was always happy.
aparently I was the only one that felt that way.
ralphie never opened up to me, he never even let on that he wanted something different, I don't know if that would have made any difference, maybe if he was the kind of person that shared his feelings we would have been happier, or maybe he would have just left sooner. I know nothing now.
I miss his eyes, his hands, his hair, the way he rolls over in the morning and cuddles me after I hit the snooze button.
the mornings were the best time, before we could ruin the magic by speaking.
I've been doing alot of thinking about the mistakes we made in our relationship, all the arguments that didn't need to happen.
after reading all my old entries I remember things I had forgotten about the split last year, I had instigated it, threw him out for being an insensitive drunk, I thought that if we made it through that we would be fine, but right when we reunited and decided to be good to each other I started having panic attacks, bad, they took over my whole life and there was no talking to ralphie about it, he didn't want to understand, and I was too scared to try to understand it myself. so I went to the doctor and made her give me a pill to make it all go away, paxil, the devil drug.
the two main side effects were weight gain and lack of sex drive, I didn't care, all I wanted was to be normal again, well, the panic attacks went away, I gained 60lbs and never wanted ralphie to touch me, we still had sex, but only because I felt I had to, I also lost all drive to do anything, I wanted to go have fun and have lots of crazy hot dirty sex, but I didn't have the energy to get through the work day, let alone come home and deal with the chores there and ralphie just seemed to make everything harder.
so we plugged through the days and the nights and did only what was nessasary for survival.
ralphie spent alot of time with the boys.
or so I thought.
I knew that I had to make a change, I couldn't let that drug ruin my life, but the withdrawls were so scary that I was really afraid of what would happen if I stopped. but I did. had to save my life.
I took nothing all summer, and the panic attacks took over, worse then ever, I had so many bad days I soon was too afraid to even go to the store alone.
ralphie was no help, he just got angrier and angrier all summer, he never would talk to me about any of his feelings, that's all I ever really wanted was for him to open up to me.
So, then, towards the end of the summer, I find out that his friend brian had been cheating on his long time girlfriend with two diffent underage girls, with ralphie on the sideline the whole time.
now, I always trusted ralphie with my whole heart, never did I think he was keeping anything important from me, so lots of that faith was lost when I learned the news that he wasn't hanging out with the boys, he was hanging out with teenage girls, and if he was going to lie to me about this, then what else was he doing that I didn't know about.
but I never really thought he was doing anything bad.
I knew that it was a total possibility, that he would cheat, I mean, he watches all his friends do it and they always tell ralphie to do things and he never stands up for himself, so if they wanted him to cheat bad enough, it would happen.
now, I'm not saying that ralphie didn't have a hand in this, he made the choice to put himself in that position and stick his dick in some slut so that he could look like a stud to his friends..
but I know he loved me, you don't get to fake that for five years, you can't love someone for that long and just walk away, can you?
I just wish he would talk to me about things now, if there's any time to talk about the way you feel, this would be it.
I love him so much, and I miss him so much.

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Why? [06 Apr 2002|10:07am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Why does it seem that a person could go for weeks or months or years not talking about themselves when they feel good....but as soon as I feel bad, there's no one to talk to.
so here I am, my sorrow has led me to this box, a nameless faceless group of peers that I know aren't going to read all the way through this, but it makes me feel good to write it anyway.

I quit my job, I made sandwiches, I sat around, and everyone liked me...I was queen, I had what I wanted, I asked for it, and it was delivered.
so why did I choose to leave? was I pissed? was I hurt? did I just want a little drama? that doesn't sound like me...maybe that's the reason.
maybe I'm not me, or maybe I'm just not me in little spurts, then after I make stupid decisions I finally come to my senses and cry about them for a few days.

all has been ok, it's a good thing that I forced change, at least I need to think it is, I almost lost a couple close friends, but that was avoided, I don't have an income, but all I have to do is go get another job...no problem, right?

yesterday I visited the dentist and he removed a tooth, a big one, one you can't tell is gone unless I open wide, but I know it's gone...I had to make my peace with it and bring it home in a little baggie of bleach. I may not be ok.

today I hurt, inside and out, in my mouth and in my brain, I'm scared of the future, I may not be able to make it alone, I may not be able to make it at all. I may have to face the fact that I am white trash and can't expect any more, because I'm not willing to work for anything worthwhile...my lazyness is going to cause me to fail, when I've been so sure in the past that I would suceed no matter what, I would be rich, and thin, and powerfull, and famous...but maybe I'll live in mom's basement forever, maybe I'll lose my mind, maybe I'll stop looking for reasons

I'll be ok, I'm sure, I have to continue reminding myself that I have it ok...I'm healthy, for the most part, and my options are still open, I really could do anything I wanted..

but, then again, it's so much easier to worry and figure the cards are stacked.....
oh fuck it.

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[30 Jan 2002|08:15pm]
yeah, i wrote a new entry
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sandwiches, sandwiches, and more sandwiches.... [15 Dec 2001|05:54pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

where to start....

carrie and i played yesterday, we started at the unemployment office looking for new jobs so we can afford to start our new life together

we proceded to another employment agency which had recently closed their office to walk-in applicators, is that right? am i an applicator?

i became frustrated, we then continued to play and went to look at some more apartments, we found the most perfect place to live in the whole town. we're moving there.

i have never felt so excited about something in my whole life...i know that i'm going to live with carrie the bunner in our perfect house and have so much fun.
i didn't even feel nearly this happy when ralph and i actually did move in together
yeah for me.

so now to find new employment.

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[11 Dec 2001|11:03pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

today was a good day. really.
carrie spent the night last night, we got stoned and watched a movie, went to pogy's for dinner and stupid asshole laura charged us for food.
i'm going to kick her the next time i see her.

then we went to walmart and bought some treats, then got stoned again and watched another movie.
tooth hurt so i took some vicadan at about three in the morning, thought maybe i'd be able to sleep in...i was wrong.
carrie's sister, who just happened to lock herself out of her house, called at nine. we didn't go help her. i kind of felt bad.

today we spent our time wandering the town touring apartments to find one we would want to live in together...we're going to be roomies!
i really feel like i missed out on the whole first apartment experience...so i'm going to try again, and i'm so excited, just so excited.
we looked at everything, we liked everything, well, everything but the crap.

so friday we're getting up early to get new jobs, i don't really want to try at all...so we're going to go to employment agencies and see what kind of money they offer us and what they expect us to do for it...i told her that it didn't really matter what we did as long as the money's good, and i could move out of my mother's basement....she agreed.
i really like her alot.

i did make it to the gym tonight too...tami and i wallowed around the reflecting pool with the other buffalli. the class was really good, i think i pulled something.

so i kind of feel bad tonight...i was ok, and even happy, but then i put in edward sissorhands to watch the end because i didn't finish it last night, and the end's really sad, i don't know if you guys remember, but he kills the boyfriend and has to stay up in that nasty castle...i almost cried.
but anyway, then i walked into the bathroom and bent towards the mirror to look at my face and could smell something good, so i opened the medicine cabinet and brought ralph's old deoderant to my nose <><>
then the waterworks, and not 'cause it smells like his pits, but it just smelled like him.
shouldn't i be ok? he's not nice to me when i talk to him, i don't want him to come back, but for some reason i want my head in his pit.
go figure.

so i came upstairs to sit with mom, didn't want to sit alone anymore, turned on the pooter and read annie's comment to my comment and then anni's comment to my comment to annie, and then teared up again...i think i need a hug. or maybe i'm just pre-menstral, i don't know, but i drank half a thing of eggnog and a huge mug of cocoa...comfort food...dairy, yum.

have to go make the sandwiches again tomorrow, i'm looking forward to it almost, it beats trying to find something to keep me occupied in the evenings...maybe i'll get a second job, then i'd have no time to worry about anybody's stinky pits but my own.

i'm ok,
everything's ok.

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another day [05 Dec 2001|12:37pm]
maybe it was wrong, maybe it caused me to fall back a few weeks, but i feel good about the whole situation anyway.

ralph stayed the night last night, it's been a month since i'd kicked him out...i feel no remorse about it, i am not planning our reunion
it was just nice to have someone to be with all evening, we hung out, had cheeseburgers, went to look at christmas lights and watched a movie on the couch.

this morning he woke up to go to work, got dressed, started his truck and came back in to kiss me goodbye, just like always, but when he bent down to kiss me, he stopped and said,
"oh, i forgot" and stood up.
i made him kiss me anyway, then he stammered a bit and finally left...i really get excited when he feels bad, i know that's sadistic, but oh well, i spent too long with him and saw no emotion whatsoever that this is a nice change.

anyway, on with the rest of my life...
mom informed me yesterday that curtis told my dad that he was convinced that all of us girls were lezbians, little does he know of our true intentions...i was a little offended, but then i laughed, and i laughed, and i laughed,
i told ralph he said this, and he didn't think that was too difficult to point out.
so after i heard that, i had this dream last night, it was so weird, annie and courtney were both there, and curtis too, but he was being such an asshole, all grabby and rude, then right before i woke up, he had grabbed annie's head and forced it down and yelled "suck dick, bitch!" i pulled him off of her and screamed at him all the way to the house (we were standing at my old bus stop, don't ask me?) then i woke up and was really pissed off, i wanted to drive over to his house and break something....don't you ever have dreams that are so real you stay pissed for days? usually mine are happy, and i stay happy thinking about them, but not last night, oh man, i'm still raging mad....that asshole, treat my annie like that....i'll tell you what!

oh well, off to make the sandwiches, if i wasn't so lazy, i'd do the mountain of dishes laying in my sink first, but you all know i won't, so why bother mentioning it.

i love me, gay or not.
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i can't believe "pathetic" isn't a mood option...it should be. [03 Dec 2001|05:39pm]
[ mood | pathetic ]

low fat mexican cookies and chocolate skim milk
yeah for snacks at mom's house.

i am at one of the lower layers of pathetic today, not only do feel completely lost without ralphie around, i feel that i have no one at all to complain about him to.
that will be all in the whiney dept.

otherwise a good day, shopping with keith, who by the way is a pain in the ass to shop with unless you only want to go where he needs to go and look at only the things he wants to look at, i'll have to give myself a week or so before i'll want to do that again.

went to the laughing bird moving sale, bought hippie bells and some dried lavender buds and a note pad made of hemp....heee hee hee, yeah.

going to hit the gym tonight, going to wallow with the other water buffali in the pool of dispair, i hope the class isn't as big as the last one, i hate being scared of drowing in the sea of crotchity old women. i tried to talk tami into working up a sweat first upstairs, but it's real hard to convince someone to do something that you don't even want to do. or something like that.

i felt so good the week annie was in town, like i could get by without my ralphie, like i was worth good things and people really liked me for who i was, but now she's gone and so are all the good feelings, i haven't seen ol' what's his name since that weekend either, but i've dreamt about him every night since...i even drove around and found where he lives...i'm not going to tell him that though, that might be a little too creepy.
i've never had these types of stalker qualities before, even when i was a stupid teenager with stupid teenage crushes, i never acted like such a fucking loser. i suck. i suck bad.

i need good things to happen to me, i really need a good job that i have to go to to keep it
i fanagled my way out of working all weekend, i'm going to have absolutly no money for christmas....i'll have to start selling blow-job on the corner, maybe i could ring a bell and call it charity.
so i hope my family knows they're all getting stuff i already have for christmas, but not my cool stuff, just the crap i was getting rid of anyway, like my old sheets and dish towels, old toilet paper rolls with newspaper clippings
glued to them, that's not just thoughtfull, it's art!

i better read some of your crap now, then off to the pool for some heavy conditioning, wish i had a big bowl to smoke first.

i'm fine, everything's fine.
i'm going to be ok.
yeah, bye

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[27 Nov 2001|12:57pm]
[ mood | amused ]

i'm at rachel's now...there's at least five people asleep on the floor. i've always scoffed at this sort of rootless existence, but now that i'm single and can do anything i want, i'm almost jealous that i didn't party with them and spend the night too....i said almost.

i started to decorate my house for christmas yesterday, actually, i was trying to clean, but then i pulled out all of the deco stuff and my house ended up messier then it was before

didn't go to the gym last night, we figured we'd work off thanksgiving, but then we figured everyone would be working off thanksgiving so we'd wait untill tonight...maybe.

i love having days off, it's too bad that i have to have a job at all...but you all know how i like to buy things,
i would never survive in a communist environment, i'd be the guy that they throw out because i'd try to get all the boys to do everything for me because i'm lazy, can you call in sick to a commune? or would they just know you were lying?

going to go sit on rachel's couch now, she has no money to take me to breakfast, so maybe i'll find someone who does....oh yeah, back to the reason to work again.


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yeah for not working out [26 Nov 2001|06:44pm]
[ mood | confused ]

i'm not going to write much, because the damn site keeps telling me it's broken.

ralph came over today, we fought, i packed up a bunch of his shit i still had at the house and he yelled at me and called me stupid.
i am in control...i am ok.

i am totally sprung on ol' what's his name too.
every night i dream about him, i check every truck on the road to see if it's him, i feel personally insulted when it's not.
i've got it bad....this isn't just some healthy rebound crush, i've become pathetic and confused about reality...but oh God, is it fun to be this confused.

i'm going to try to read your guy's shit now.

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wet day at the market [25 Nov 2001|07:26pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

today keith and brianna and i went to the saturday market and got rained on
we really did have a good time
i always feel so different when i'm down there, it just brings me back to high school when i dabbled in the hippie scene...i always want to buy everything, all the velvet and patchwork clothes and tapastries and big floppy hats and band posters and glass pipes and inscents and beaded shit they have....i love it!

but i had to limit my purchases to one printed tapastry that wasn't really tapasty at all but really a skinny piece of linen, but it's really cool, i've never really had any urge to buy one before, but this one jumped off the wall at me, it's blue and black with the normal celtic-like crap on it, but it's got a man and a woman in the middle and some swirlies that i can only assume is supposed to be pubic hair, it rules

i had the best weekend that i've had in a very long time, i can surely say that it's mostly because i had the chance to spend time with two of my clothes friends that aren't always around, and the holiday was nice, and curtis spending all kinds of time where i can see him wasn't all bad either.
but i really think i'm starting to feel liberated from the coma i was in while ralph was around...i had so much fun and i didn't have to worry about anybody bitching about any of it, no one to tell me to go to bed or to keep it down, no one to get drunk and put me down, no one to make me want to go home and cry instead of going out to party,
i even got drunk at my own house and didn't get sick from stress caused by my honey.

i'm not saying that i'm not crushed by the fact that our long term relationshit has so obviously failed and all my feelings and hopes and dreams from the last four years have been obliterated, but it is nice to not have to scream over the t.v. to be paid attention to.
even if that means that i'm alone and paying attention to myself.

i did start to cry on the way home last night, it is hard to lose one's honey so suddenly.
but like i've said before, i'll just have to see what comes next, time to turn the page.

today i had oatmeal for breakfast, i'm going to be so skinny..
then i got stoned and at 4 cookies, 2 bowls of cereal, a turkey sandwich, a bowl of sweetpotatoes, 3 bites of soy pumpkin pie with egebeaters (that's why i had only three bites),
and a juice box....and i'm going to go downstairs and finish a half of candy bar i had from friday..
i'm going to get so fat.

today's been good,
i hope i see curtis tomorrow, because he's cute


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[22 Nov 2001|09:30am]
[ mood | giddy ]

oh mommy, you came and you made me a turkey,
oh my vacation away from workey!

yeah for turkey day!

i fanagled tomorrow off and sunday off, i'm so excited, now i get to play with my annie and my brianna, yeah, yeah, yeah,

going to take a shower today so my family doesn't think i'm down and out with heartbreak.

yeah, turkey.

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i'm tired [21 Nov 2001|11:10am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

lately i haven't been able to keep my eyes open long enough to enjoy my life...or to even see most of it.
today i slept in till 10:30, so hopefully i'll be able to get through work untill 9:00 tonight....last night sucked, everything that could have gone wrong did...the whole store flooded because the management is lazy and did no mantenance on a drain...so i had to stick my little hand elbow deep in some disgusting drain filled with drano and it was slimey and crunchy at the same time...it was gross, and on top of it all we were hella busy all night long, up untill 8:59, when some bitch walked in and wanted a sammich! i hate pogy's today.

tomorrow's thanksgiving, i'm going to help mom all day, she's so stressed, i hope she makes it through the day...i can't wait to eat that cheesecake, becky don't fail me now.

i'm really glad i don't have to go to ralph's mother's house this holiday season, that was always such a bitch for me, all kinds of shit to do on the holidays, then top it off with a stinky ass house, four fat sister-in-laws, a dull father, and his mother, the devil.
i just get to stay home and eat turkey with my mommy and my wonderful sisters and my annie and curtis....mmmmm, curtis.

i should finish the laundry so i can go and make the fucking sandwiches today, ah hell.


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need to learn how to run this new fangled thing... [18 Nov 2001|11:07am]
i've hit enter so many times today before actually typing anything the damn pooter might just shut down out of frustration.

yesterday i spent at least an hour laying out my entire brain's worth of funny quips and insightfull thoughts only to have this mother fucking websight fail to help me and erase the whole entry without posting an inch of it.

a quick summery of my days....worked 11 hours friday...made eight huge sandwiches for the bunheads...they had to meet because the end of the world is coming sooner than they thought...no shit either..that's really why they had to meet and eat pogy's....me and the girls got into a huge food fight that night at work and i ended up with a headfull of mayonaise and carrie got an eyefull of horsradish...it was fucking cool...asked ralph for money....needed $25 to make the rest of my truck payment and some money to live on for the rest of the week untill i get paid....he showed up with $27 and a scratch ticket...my mother thought this much more humorous than i did.

i had a sex dream last night but not about ralph...which isn't that odd...but ralph was in it and i was still persuing the man in question...i kept telling ralph to go away and then he showed up drunk and i got pissed and decided it was completely over...mind you i'm still talking about the dream...but i did get quite excited about this other boy...i laid in bed for quite a while with a smile on my face after i woke up....yeah.

i'm fatter today than i've ever been in my whole life....i should say heavier...'cause i'm actually quite smaller than i was before, but the scale said some herendious number when i stood on it this morning...so i stood on it again and it said a smaller number...which i was relieved about...but the first one is still bothering me....maybe i'll go and get on it again just to make sure.....make sure that i'm a fat ass.

i'm going to play the game now....'cause hank's blaring in my ears and i can't concentrate to type.....ok bye
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another day... [16 Nov 2001|09:29am]
[ mood | cynical ]

ralph called and woke me up this morning at 8am, he didn't have anything good to say, just mumbled a bunch of bullshit...i don't understand if he's only got a limited time to talk to someone that's so obviously important that he wouldn't waste as much time on small talk and discuss the main issues like a grown up.

but whoa is me...i can't tell him what to do, and you have no idea how this is killing me...i have every erge to beat his head against the wall untill he learns.

going to make the sandwiches today, it's friday and i have no money to speak of...i'm even going to have to ask ralph for money to make the rest of my car payment....uuhhhhgh

i can't wait till annie's home so i can hug her.

rachel's appointment went fine...the doctor said her junk looked lovely and healthy.

going to the gym tonight...i'm a fat ass, need to work out...need to eat less sandwiches....mmmmm, sandwiches.

ok bye

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the bowl of candy is slowly dissappearing....... [14 Nov 2001|07:52pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

went to the doctor today...the skin anthrax is some bacterial infection from the hot tub...she said that a person with broken or overly sensitive skin is highly suseptible to such an infection... so maybe annie's ex wasn't just whiney and making up stories.

ran into ralph today too...on the way home.
he made a few sad faces...i was disgustingly pleased and ashamed of myself at the same time.
called him on his phone after tami ditched me to buy cars and he didn't want to talk...or didn't want to talk in front of brian...but as i was hanging up from his lack of enthusiasm, he mentioned oh so casually that he missed me...i wasn't paying much attention at that point so i was startled and exclaimed "what?" then he mumbled something about "stupid feelings" and said he had to go....that asshole

i hope he hurts...i hope he misses me so much that he just doesn't know if he could survive another day being "ruthless"
i'm so funny.

anyway, taking rachel to the doctor tomorrow..
finally... say a little prayer that things will be nice and smooth for her sake...because
we love her you know.

didn't make it to the gym tonight...had all of the good intentions, but tami didn't want to, i even tried to guilt her into it, but she had her mind set on bigger better and funner things

can't blame her really...i was far too glad to stay home and eat this damn bowl of candy..
yeah for the holidays.

i think i might have to set up a "help muffi sleep" fund to raise enough money to pay off that damn bed i have on layaway...i really want to sleep on it now...maybe the mattress fairy will deliver it in the night...

at work today i figured out that i could eat three times as much cheese, meat, and mayonaise if i leave off the bread and vegitables...mmmmmm.

maybe i'll call ginger tonight..maybe she'll want to drink coffee with me and eat pie... mmmmm pie.

alright (pronounced "eyet")
i'm out

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