last night I logged on and read all of my past entries, I haven't written here since ralphie and I split up last year.
we've split again, about a month ago, he had sex with another girl, her name is jenny. it killed me.
I always thought that ralphie and I would be together forever, even through all the fights and hard times I know that the two of us loved each other enough to make it through and end up the perfect couple that was always happy.
aparently I was the only one that felt that way.
ralphie never opened up to me, he never even let on that he wanted something different, I don't know if that would have made any difference, maybe if he was the kind of person that shared his feelings we would have been happier, or maybe he would have just left sooner. I know nothing now.
I miss his eyes, his hands, his hair, the way he rolls over in the morning and cuddles me after I hit the snooze button.
the mornings were the best time, before we could ruin the magic by speaking.
I've been doing alot of thinking about the mistakes we made in our relationship, all the arguments that didn't need to happen.
after reading all my old entries I remember things I had forgotten about the split last year, I had instigated it, threw him out for being an insensitive drunk, I thought that if we made it through that we would be fine, but right when we reunited and decided to be good to each other I started having panic attacks, bad, they took over my whole life and there was no talking to ralphie about it, he didn't want to understand, and I was too scared to try to understand it myself. so I went to the doctor and made her give me a pill to make it all go away, paxil, the devil drug.
the two main side effects were weight gain and lack of sex drive, I didn't care, all I wanted was to be normal again, well, the panic attacks went away, I gained 60lbs and never wanted ralphie to touch me, we still had sex, but only because I felt I had to, I also lost all drive to do anything, I wanted to go have fun and have lots of crazy hot dirty sex, but I didn't have the energy to get through the work day, let alone come home and deal with the chores there and ralphie just seemed to make everything harder.
so we plugged through the days and the nights and did only what was nessasary for survival.
ralphie spent alot of time with the boys.
or so I thought.
I knew that I had to make a change, I couldn't let that drug ruin my life, but the withdrawls were so scary that I was really afraid of what would happen if I stopped. but I did. had to save my life.
I took nothing all summer, and the panic attacks took over, worse then ever, I had so many bad days I soon was too afraid to even go to the store alone.
ralphie was no help, he just got angrier and angrier all summer, he never would talk to me about any of his feelings, that's all I ever really wanted was for him to open up to me.
So, then, towards the end of the summer, I find out that his friend brian had been cheating on his long time girlfriend with two diffent underage girls, with ralphie on the sideline the whole time.
now, I always trusted ralphie with my whole heart, never did I think he was keeping anything important from me, so lots of that faith was lost when I learned the news that he wasn't hanging out with the boys, he was hanging out with teenage girls, and if he was going to lie to me about this, then what else was he doing that I didn't know about.
but I never really thought he was doing anything bad.
I knew that it was a total possibility, that he would cheat, I mean, he watches all his friends do it and they always tell ralphie to do things and he never stands up for himself, so if they wanted him to cheat bad enough, it would happen.
now, I'm not saying that ralphie didn't have a hand in this, he made the choice to put himself in that position and stick his dick in some slut so that he could look like a stud to his friends..
but I know he loved me, you don't get to fake that for five years, you can't love someone for that long and just walk away, can you?
I just wish he would talk to me about things now, if there's any time to talk about the way you feel, this would be it.
I love him so much, and I miss him so much.